How Managers Influence Employee Motivation and Engagement at Work

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Most employees aren’t unmotivated—they’re unsupported. And the person who determines whether they thrive or withers is usually their manager.

When intrinsic motivation is low, it’s rarely because employees don’t care. It’s almost always because their environment — shaped primarily by their direct manager — isn’t giving them the conditions to care.

Every major study on engagement and motivation (Gallup, McKinsey, Deci & Ryan, Google’s Project Oxygen) points to one conclusion:

The single biggest factor in an employee’s motivation and performance is their direct manager.

In other words, the “employee experience” is largely the manager experience.

Executives set vision. Culture sets norms. But it’s the manager who translates both into daily reality — the person who either fuels intrinsic motivation or suffocates it.

Why Managers Are the Fulcrum of Motivation

1. They control autonomy.

A manager decides how much freedom an employee has — to make decisions, solve problems, or shape their work. Even if corporate strategy says ‘we empower employees,’ one micromanaging manager can make a highly capable team feel trapped.

2. They control feedback and growth.

The sense of competence — that people are improving and adding value — lives or dies in the feedback loop. A manager who offers constructive guidance builds mastery; one who only points out mistakes erodes confidence and learning motivation.

3. They control belonging.

Culture feels abstract until it’s embodied by someone’s direct supervisor. A manager who checks in weekly and listens creates trust, while one who ignores personal needs creates isolation—even in a high-paying company.

What This Means in Practice

When organizations talk about “employee engagement,” they often jump to programs — perks, bonuses, recognition platforms, wellness apps.
But the evidence is clear:

You can’t program your way out of poor management.

The manager is the culture carrier.
If they’re not trained, supported, and held accountable for creating environments that meet those intrinsic needs (autonomy, competence, relatedness), the rest is noise.

So, What Should Organizations Actually Do?

Here are the leverage points that turn the intrinsic motivation principle into systemic practice:

1. Redefine the Manager Role

Stop treating management as a reward for tenure or technical excellence.
Train and promote people who want to lead humans, not just manage work.

  • Make “develops others” a core performance metric.

  • Recognize coaching and feedback as business-critical skills.

2. Build Manager Coaching Capability

Most managers never get real training in intrinsic motivation or psychological safety.
Equip them to:

  • Ask open-ended, autonomy-supportive questions.

  • Deliver feedback that builds competence, not compliance.

  • Frame work in terms of shared purpose.

3. Model It from the Top

Leaders must live the intrinsic motivation principles — showing trust, curiosity, and transparency.
Managers mirror what they see from above.

4. Measure Motivation Through the Manager Lens

Instead of only surveying “employee engagement,” also measure manager effectiveness in enabling motivation:

  • Do I have autonomy in how I do my work?

  • Does my manager help me grow?

  • Do I feel connected to a meaningful purpose?

If those three scores are strong, intrinsic motivation is strong.

The Bottom Line

Intrinsic motivation is not an employee trait — it’s a leadership outcome.

When managers:

  • give people ownership (autonomy),

  • help them grow (competence), and

  • connect them to meaning (relatedness),
    motivation follows naturally.

When they don’t, no amount of perks or slogans can fix it.

How to Negotiate Your Salary

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You did the hard part.

You prepped for every round, answered the hard questions, solved the abstract puzzles, navigated awkward “culture fit” conversations. You made a strong impression on your future manager, clicked with a few peers, and even held your own with the wildcard interviewer — the one no one gets along with but everyone has to impress.

You earned the offer.

And now, just when you should be taking a breath and feeling proud, you’re hit with something else entirely:

The negotiation.

You knew it was coming. Everyone warned you.
And now your head is full of advice from every direction:

  • “Don’t be the first to say a number.”

  • “Always ask for 20% more.”

  • “Companies expect you to negotiate — but don’t push too hard.”

  • “Play it cool. No, wait — be direct. But also nice. And strategic. But authentic.”

Your friends have strong opinions. Your family has strong opinions. LinkedIn bros, random blog posts, that one successful former coworker — all of them say different things with the same certainty.

And you? You’re trying to parse the signal from the noise — without blowing it.

The truth is: you’re not underprepared. You’re overloaded.
And nobody has given you a clear way to think about this part.

This post is here to do that — not just for salary negotiation, but for any high-stakes ask in your career. Because if you can learn how to have this conversation, you’ll carry that skill into every raise, promotion, client deal, and job offer from here on out. Not just to help you negotiate better — but to help you stop dreading it, and start owning it.

Why You Feel Weird About Asking

Let’s be honest: a lot of people do rock the boat when they negotiate — not because they mean to, but because they come in unprepared.

They push too hard, too fast. They quote bad numbers. They confuse confidence with combativeness.
So if you feel hesitant to ask for more — that’s not just fear talking. That’s caution. And it’s valid.

You’ve probably seen it go sideways.
Maybe you’ve watched someone ask for something reasonable — but ask it the wrong way.
Or someone walk in uncoached, overreaching, under-informed, and blow their shot.

So now, when it’s your turn, there’s a voice in your head saying:

“Don’t rock the boat.”
“Be grateful.”
“Don’t mess this up.”
“They’ll think you’re greedy.”
“You’re lucky to even be here.”

That voice isn’t irrational. It’s protective.
But it’s also not the whole story.

Here’s the truth:

Sometimes negotiating does rock the boat — but usually, it’s because the negotiation wasn’t done well.

Which is exactly why learning to do it well is one of the most important professional skills you can build.

Because good negotiation isn’t about demanding, bluffing, or winning.

It’s about being clear, confident, and respectful.
It’s about knowing your value, understanding your leverage, and communicating in a way that builds trust — not tension.

When you do that, you don’t just avoid rocking the boat.

You actually help steer it.

And that’s what makes people want to work with you — not just pay you.

Understand the Game (So You Can Play It Without Being Played)

Negotiation is not about being aggressive.
It’s not about being slick.
It’s not even about fairness, necessarily.

It’s about leverage.

And here’s the biggest leverage you have:
The fact that they made you an offer means they want you.

That’s power.

You’re not begging for a job. You’re a solution they’ve chosen.
They’ve done their math, weighed their options, and decided you’re worth the investment.

The first offer they give you? That’s almost never their final number. It’s their safe starting point — the figure they’re comfortable with without risking too much.

And here’s the hard part: you don’t get many chances to practice this.
You can’t truly simulate the weight of it — not in a mock interview, not with a friend pretending to be a hiring manager. The real thing comes with real stakes: money, identity, risk, opportunity. It messes with your head. Your voice gets weird. You forget your lines. You second-guess everything.

And because you don’t get to practice much, you overprepare in the wrong way — stock phrases, bulletproof logic, pitch-perfect scripts.

But here’s what actually makes someone good at negotiating:
Listening.

They read the room. They pick up on tone shifts. They spot the tension, the hesitation, the black swans — the subtle, often invisible variables that change everything.

Maybe the hiring manager is understaffed and desperate to fill this seat.
Maybe the team is stacked with juniors and they’re looking for someone with your experience to lead.
Maybe the role is expanding beyond what was originally scoped — and they know it, but haven’t said it out loud yet.

You don’t uncover that by pitching your worth.
You uncover it by being curious. By asking smart questions. By listening more than you speak.

That’s how you turn leverage into movement.
Not by saying the perfect line — but by sensing what matters most to the other side and aligning your ask with it.

Negotiation is a conversation with stakes.
But it’s still just a conversation.

So What Do You Do With All This?

You earned the offer.
You understand the dynamics.
You’ve started to see that negotiation is less about saying the perfect thing — and more about listening, observing, and responding with intent.

So now what?

Now, you take everything we’ve unpacked and use it to reframe your mindset. Not just for this negotiation, but for every big ask you’ll make in your career moving forward.

Start here:

1. Get Real About What Matters to You

Before you say a word, stop and ask yourself:
What am I actually trying to get out of this negotiation?

Is it the base salary? A more senior title? Remote flexibility? A clearer growth path?
Or are you chasing something fuzzier — status, validation, the sense that you’re “winning”?

Not everything matters equally. Don’t confuse noise with signal.
Separate your ego from your needs. Decide what’s worth negotiating — and what’s just static in your head.

2. Separate Facts from Impressions

You think they’re lowballing you.
You assume they’ll walk away if you ask for more.
You feel like you don’t have leverage.

Slow down. Those are impressions — not facts.

Leverage comes from facts:

  • They extended an offer.

  • They’ve invested time and resources in you.

  • They have a business problem, and you’re part of the solution.

That’s real.
Treat your assumptions like hypotheses, not truth. Ask questions, get curious, and work with what’s actually in front of you.

3. Leverage Isn’t a Weapon — It’s a Map

Leverage doesn’t mean force. It means understanding what both sides want — and what they’re willing to move on.

Maybe they have more flexibility on title than base salary.
Maybe the hiring manager is under pressure to build out the team fast.
Maybe this role was under-scoped, and they know it.

You won’t discover any of that by pitching hard.
You’ll get there by listening — patiently, strategically, like a pro.

4. Slow It Down

Chris Voss says it best: “When the pressure’s on, you don’t rise to the occasion — you fall to your highest level of preparation.”

In other words: slow. it. down.

Don’t rush to respond. Don’t panic-fill silence. Don’t treat this like a game of chicken.

Take a breath. Ask a question. Let it land.
Great negotiators don’t just speak well — they wait well.

5. You’re Not Here to Win — You’re Here to Align

This is not a showdown. It’s a professional alignment exercise.

You want the role. They want you in the role.
Now you’re figuring out how to make that work — for both sides.

So be human. Be curious. Be steady.
No posturing, no pretending.

Just clarity.

Final Thought: Clarity Over Confidence

You’ll still feel nerves.
You’ll still second-guess a few things after the call.
You might still be tempted to skip the ask entirely — just to keep things smooth.

That’s not a sign of weakness.
It’s a sign you understand the stakes.

Because negotiation can go sideways — especially when it’s rushed, reactive, or rooted in ego.
But that’s not what you’re doing here.

You’ve done the work. You’re asking the right questions. You’re showing up prepared, thoughtful, and clear.

And when the numbers are right but the dynamic still feels off — when you’re not being met halfway — that’s when this mindset matters most:

Don’t ask for more unless you have leverage.
Don’t use your leverage unless you’re prepared to walk.

(See: Don’t Ask for a Raise Unless You’re Ready to Walk)

That’s not about playing games or bluffing.
It’s about protecting your energy, your standards, and your future.

Because when you’ve earned an offer — and you have real options — the goal isn’t to squeeze the other side. It’s to find alignment.

And if you can’t? That’s information, too.

You don’t owe anyone an apology for knowing your value.

But you do owe yourself the clarity to act on it — with professionalism, with intention, and without flinching.

So whether this conversation leads to a better offer, a stronger working relationship, or a necessary change in direction, remember this:

You didn’t get here by accident.
You’re not “lucky” to have a seat at the table.

You earned it.

Now negotiate like it.

What Biodiversity Can Teach Us About Career Growth

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You’ve adjusted, adapted, realigned, restructured — again and again. And now, you’re tired. Not just tired-tired. Existentially tired. Questioning-everything tired.
You’ve had more change in bosses than years in the industry. Your team changes shape every quarter. The roadmap you were handed last month? Already obsolete.

Sound familiar?

It’s easy to think something must be wrong when everything around you feels uncertain. Specifically, that the chaos means failure — of leadership, of planning, of direction.

But what if the instability isn’t a flaw in the system?
What if it’s part of the growth process?

A Lesson from Nature

Here’s a concept from ecology that explains more about your job than your org chart ever will:
The Intermediate Disturbance Hypothesis.

In nature, the most diverse, resilient ecosystems don’t exist in calm, untouched conditions.
And they don’t survive constant disaster either.

They thrive under moderate, periodic disruption — just enough to shake things up, not enough to wipe everything out.

A fire clears dominant species, making room for new ones.
A storm knocks down a few trees, and suddenly sunlight reaches the forest floor.
Disturbance creates opportunity — but only if it’s manageable.

Too little change, and one species takes over.
Too much, and nothing has a chance to establish.
But in the middle? Things get interesting. Things grow.

That “middle” is where ecosystems evolve.
And — whether you like it or not — it’s where you are.

What If This Is Just the Middle?

When everything at work starts shifting — new leadership, changing priorities, roles in flux — it’s easy to label it chaos.
To assume something must be broken. To start looking for the exit.

And sometimes? That instinct is right.
Not all disruption is healthy.
Toxic leadership, chronic burnout, directionless thrashing — that’s not evolution. That’s erosion. (See: How to Deal with a Bad Boss)

But here’s the paradox:
When everything looks great — when the status quo is working just fine for those in charge — change rarely happens.
The people with power aren’t usually inspired to make room.
Ideas don’t get airtime. New voices don’t get invited in.

Some change is uncomfortable — but in the mess it leaves behind, we sometimes find the chance to build something better.

So ask yourself:
Is this dysfunction? Or is this disturbance — the kind that leads to something better?

What This Looks Like in Real Life

I’ve been handed those situations — the ones no one wants.
The ones that have been mismanaged for too long, where expectations are high, and clarity is nonexistent.
Where you’re not set up to succeed — just expected to not let it fail.

On paper, it looks like autonomy.
But really, it’s abandonment with a deadline.

And yet… that’s often where the real growth happened.
Not because the system believed in me — but because the system ran out of other options.
And in the vacuum left by neglect, I had room to move. To lead. To rebuild.

Those weren’t ideal conditions.
They were chaotic, high-pressure, and unfairly timed.
But they surfaced something I might not have found otherwise:
A deeper kind of capability.
A voice I hadn’t used before.
A level of ownership no one would’ve given me when things were going smoothly.

Not every outcome was perfect. But almost all of them sharpened me — revealing what I needed, what I could do, and who I had to become to do it.

This is what real-life disturbance looks like:
You get handed a mess.
You’re not sure if it’s a compliment or a setup.
And still, you choose to make something out of it — because that’s where the opportunity lives.

So, If You’re in It Right Now…

If you’re standing in the middle of a mess you didn’t create — a critical project in crisis, a role that suddenly expanded without permission, a system cracking under its own weight — it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.

This isn’t the clean version of growth we like to imagine.
It’s the real one.

There may not be clear direction.
There may not be applause.
But there is space — space that didn’t exist before.
And space, however uncomfortable, is where things begin.

You don’t have to romanticize the chaos.
But don’t rush to escape it either.

Because sometimes, the storm isn’t the end of the story.
It’s the clearing that makes the next chapter possible.

So take a breath.
Look around.
And ask yourself — what wants to grow here, if I let it?

Managing Upwards: How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge

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We often hear about “managing people.” But rarely do we talk about what might be the trickiest management task of all:

Managing your manager.

It sounds counterintuitive. Isn’t it their job to manage you?

Structurally, yes. But functionally, the best relationships work more like a partnership than a hierarchy.

Because here’s the truth: even the best leaders have blind spots, competing priorities, and limited time. Waiting to be perfectly managed is a great way to stay stuck. If you want to grow, contribute meaningfully, and stay aligned — you need to learn how to manage up.

And that doesn’t mean sucking up or silently overperforming.

It means learning to lead — even when you’re not in charge.

What Managing Up Isn’t

Before we get into the how, let’s get clear on what managing up isn’t:

  • It’s not manipulating your boss to get what you want.

  • It’s not being a “yes” person.

  • It’s not pretending to agree when you don’t.

  • It’s not quietly resenting them while trying to “outsmart” their weaknesses.

Managing up is not about control.
It’s about ownership — of your time, your impact, your communication, and your part in the relationship.

Why Most People Get Stuck

It’s easy to assume people avoid managing up because they’re afraid — of overstepping, being seen as difficult, or highlighting a manager’s flaws. And fear does play a role.

But more often, the real issue runs deeper:

Most people have never learned how to operate outside a traditional, top-down power dynamic.

They’re used to seeing power as something that flows downward — not something that can be shared, navigated, or co-created. Their working model of power is hierarchical, one-sided, and inherited by title.

French and Raven’s foundational work on the five bases of power helps explain this.

Most people over-index on three forms of power:

  • Legitimate power (authority from position)

  • Reward power (control over resources)

  • Coercive power (ability to punish or withhold)

When someone else holds these, it can feel like the only available role is compliance. Defer, agree, stay in your lane.

But power isn’t just vertical — it’s also relational.

The other two bases — expert power (influence through skill) and referent power (influence through trust and respect) — aren’t granted from above. They’re earned and exercised from wherever you sit in the organization. And those are the forms of power that matter most when managing up.

So people get stuck — not because they’re weak, but because the only “map of power” they’ve ever been given is one where the manager is the driver, and they’re just a passenger.

But managing up requires a new map — one where you don’t need to control the steering wheel to help shape the direction.

The best employees don’t just follow orders.
They understand power differently.
They partner, navigate, and lead — even from the middle.

Principles for Managing Up Effectively

1. Understand Your Manager’s Context

Before you try to influence up, ask:
What pressures, constraints, or priorities is my manager dealing with that I might not see?

Chances are, they’re juggling multiple agendas — from personal goals to team dynamics to broader organizational demands. If you don’t understand the landscape they’re operating in, your efforts can land off-key, even if your intentions are good.

As negotiation expert Chris Voss puts it: “When bits and pieces of a case don’t add up, it’s usually because our frames of reference are off.”

Managing up means adjusting your frame to better match theirs — not to pander, but to communicate in ways that resonate with their current reality.

🔍 Pro tip: Pay attention to what your manager emphasizes, repeats, or reacts to. Those are clues to what matters most in their world.

2. Be a Solution Broker, Not Just a Problem Reporter

Managing up isn’t about having all the answers — it’s about bringing the right inputs to the table.

In Smarter, Faster, Better, Charles Duhigg introduces the idea of knowledge brokers — people who don’t just invent ideas, but connect them. They synthesize perspectives, surface insights from across the organization, and bring clarity where others bring noise.

That’s a powerful lens for managing up. Because sometimes, the most valuable thing you can offer your manager isn’t a solution you came up with on your own — it’s a well-rounded, thoughtfully curated view of the problem and potential ways forward.

Broker that knowledge into options your manager can engage with:

❌ “We’re stuck, and I’m frustrated.”
✅ “After checking in with the team and hearing a few different takes, I’ve narrowed it down to two viable paths forward. Want to talk through them?”

3. Clarify What Success Looks Like (Early and Often)

One of the most common failure points in managing up is assumed alignment.

You think you understand what matters. Your manager thinks they’ve communicated it. Then work moves forward — but not necessarily in the right direction.

As JFK said:

“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.”

Alignment isn’t just about deliverables — it’s about shared perspective. And that starts by asking questions that invite your manager to think out loud — not just give instructions.

Try asking:

  • “What’s keeping you up at night?”

  • “What would ‘nailing this’ actually change?”

  • “What are the tradeoffs you’re weighing?”

  • “If we fail fast here, what should we be learning?”

  • “What does this really unlock for you — or the team?”

These questions do more than clarify scope.
They surface context, pressure, and intent.

And that’s what helps you shape work that matters — not just work that gets done.

4. Adapt to Their Communication Style (Without Losing Yourself)

Every manager has a preferred rhythm:

  • Some want bullet points. Others want context.

  • Some want daily updates. Others prefer once a week.

  • Some want Slack messages. Others need email.

You don’t need to change who you are — but adapting how you communicate can prevent friction and build trust.

Proactive framing helps:

“I’ve noticed you prefer brief check-ins. I’ll start keeping my updates tight unless you’d like more detail.”

5. Push Back with Curiosity, And Tactical Empathy

Disagreeing with your manager isn’t disloyal. In fact, it’s often essential. But how you do it is everything.

It doesn’t mean sugarcoating. It means naming their perspective before offering yours. You’re showing that you get where they’re coming from — and that you’re building on it, not tearing it down.

Here’s the difference:

❌ “That won’t work.”
✅ “That’s an interesting direction — I think I see where you’re going. I’m curious how it might play out if [X] happens. Want to game that out together?”

You’re not there to win. You’re there to deepen understanding, stress-test ideas, and refine the path forward — together.

Final Thought: Influence Doesn’t Need a Title

Leadership doesn’t require a title.
It requires ownership, discernment, and courage.

Managing upwards is one of the clearest tests of all three.

It’s not about perfection — or politics. It’s about building the kind of relationship with your manager where alignment is frequent, communication is honest, and progress is shared.

In other words: it’s about showing up like a leader, even when you don’t have the final say.

It’s about being the kind of partner that makes better leadership possible.
No permission required.

What Milgram’s Experiment Tells Us About Remote Work Culture

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The debate around remote versus on-site work has often focused on productivity, flexibility, and culture. But beneath all the surface-level arguments is a more subtle — and more human — concern:

How does physical distance affect our sense of responsibility, empathy, and connection to others?

To answer that, it’s worth turning to one of psychology’s most unsettling studies: Stanley Milgram’s obedience experiment.

The Real Lesson from Milgram’s Experiment

In the 1960s, Stanley Milgram conducted a study to understand obedience to authority. Participants were instructed to administer what they believed were increasingly painful electric shocks to another person (an actor) when they answered questions incorrectly.

But the most revealing part wasn’t just that people obeyed — it was how their willingness to inflict pain increased as the distance between them and the victim grew.

  • When the “learner” was in the same room, participants hesitated.

  • When they could hear but not see them, they continued more easily.

  • When the victim was completely remote, obedience rose significantly.

Milgram concluded that distance makes it easier to disassociate from the consequences of our actions. Less visibility = less empathy. Less connection = more compliance.

So What Does This Have to Do With Remote Work?

Let’s be clear: Remote work has unlocked flexibility and widened access like never before. But it’s also introduced new blind spots — particularly in how we relate to one another. The psychology holds:

  • When we don’t see our colleagues face to face, we may be less attuned to their stress, burnout, or frustration.

  • When decisions are made via email, not meetings, we may not fully grasp their impact.

  • When we never “bump into” someone, we lose the micro-interactions that build trust and mutual understanding.

Remote work lowers friction — but unless we deliberately compensate, it can also lower empathy.

The Risk Isn’t Obedience — It’s Disconnection

Milgram’s experiment doesn’t mean we become monsters when we work from home. But it does suggest that distance can erode the emotional cues that normally keep us grounded in empathy, accountability, and care for others.

This is especially important in roles that involve power — whether you’re a manager giving feedback, a product leader making tradeoffs, or an executive restructuring a team.

When you’re remote, it’s easier to treat people like functions instead of humans. Decisions can feel abstract. Pain can become invisible. And good people can make harmful decisions simply because they don’t feel their consequences.

So Is On-Site Better?

Not necessarily. Being in the same room doesn’t guarantee empathy either — proximity can still coexist with disconnection.

But physical presence gives us more opportunities to notice, to sense, to check in, and to read the unspoken signs. It helps humanize colleagues who might otherwise fade into boxes on a screen or names in a Slack thread.

That matters — not because culture is fragile, but because empathy is context-dependent. And the less context we have, the easier it is to miss what someone else is carrying.

Building Empathy Into Remote Work

If we’re going to embrace remote or hybrid work — and we are — then we have to stop hoping that empathy will “just happen” across time zones and screens. Proximity once made it easier to feel what others were feeling. Now, empathy has to be designed into the system.

That starts with understanding something deeper: we’re social creatures because of the chemistry that drives us. As Simon Sinek explains in Leaders Eat Last, our ability to collaborate, empathize, and stay resilient together is shaped by four key neurochemicals. Some of that can be encouraged at a distance. Much of it can’t. Oxytocin — the chemical that builds trust — isn’t triggered by strategy docs or thoughtful Slack messages. It’s released through touch, eye contact, physical presence, and shared vulnerability. You can’t download that.

So we have a choice:

  • We can pretend that thoughtful systems will keep people feeling seen, supported, and safe.

  • Or we can admit that nothing replaces human connection — and design everything else around that loss.

We Don’t Need More Systems. We Need More Courage.

Courage to say: this isn’t enough.

Courage to close the loop with people who are suffering — even when it’s awkward, slow, or outside your scope.

Courage to be emotionally present when the screen makes it so easy not to be.

And courage to admit that some parts of leadership — the most important parts — cannot be done from a distance without loss.

Because Empathy Doesn’t Scale. It Shows Up.

The chemicals that make us human don’t care about your tech stack.

Milgram’s experiment reminds us that distance dulls empathy.
That’s not an argument against remote work — but it is a warning.

Because if we stop feeling what others feel, we don’t stop being human.
We just stop acting like it.

The real question was never “remote or on-site.”
The real question is: how do we stay human when proximity is gone?

How to Set Meaningful Goals (That Actually Stick)

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Let’s be honest: most goal-setting advice feels like it came out of a PowerPoint template from 2006. SMART goals. Vision boards. KPIs. Synergy. Yawn.

(Okay, sure—some of these can be useful. But admit it: your eyes glazed over as soon as you saw them listed, right?)

Here’s the reality: setting goals that actually mean something—goals that make you feel alive, motivated, and grounded—is brutally hard. Not because we’re lazy or unambitious, but because real goals demand something deeper than productivity hacks. They demand honesty.

So why is it so hard to set meaningful goals—and how can we actually do it in a way that sticks?

1. We Confuse “What We Should Want” With What We Actually Want

We’re surrounded by noise—career ladders, social media flexes, expectations from family, friends, and LinkedIn influencers. It’s easy to end up chasing things that don’t really belong to us.

Sometimes, we even reach those goals—get the promotion, the title, the bigger paycheck—and then feel… off. It’s more common than most people admit. You land the role you thought you wanted, only to realize it demands a version of you that doesn’t feel right. Or it comes at the cost of something you didn’t realize you were sacrificing.

What looked like success from the outside turns out to be misaligned on the inside.

What to do:
Start by asking a painfully simple question: “What do I want, really?” Not what your boss wants. Not what sounds impressive. What matters to you—even if it’s messy, unconventional, or hard to explain.

2. We Mistake the Glamorous Path for the Right One

Here’s something most people don’t talk about: the path that leads to the most meaningful—or even wildly successful—outcomes often doesn’t look impressive at the start.

We default to the well-lit routes—climb the ladder, follow the blueprint—because they’re proven, praised, and easy to explain. But sometimes the “proven path” isn’t ours to follow. And chasing it leads to a conclusion that doesn’t fit who we are.

Ironically, it’s often the detour—the unexpected or even unwanted shift—that unlocks something bigger. Bernie Marcus and Arthur Blank were fired from a home improvement chain during a corporate shakeup. Instead of getting back on the same track, they started over—co-founding Home Depot and redefining the entire industry.

What to do:
Start questioning the path, not the destination. Are you chasing someone else’s version of how to “get there”? What if the work that feels unconventional, unproven, or risky is actually the thing that would take you further than any polished plan?

3. We Think Meaningful Goals Have to Be Big

They don’t. Not every goal has to be a moonshot. In fact, the most meaningful goals are often deeply personal and wildly unglamorous: Get 8 hours of sleep. Finally call my brother. Say no to one thing this week. Often, the goals that actually change our lives don’t show up as lightning bolts. They show up as patterns. Habits. Quiet, daily decisions.

The problem? Most people don’t have a motivation problem—they have a system problem. (See: You Don’t Have a Motivation Problem. You Have a System Problem)
Because here’s the truth:

“You don’t rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”
— James Clear, Atomic Habits

You can dream big all day. But if your systems are reactive, if your calendar owns you, if you’re constantly playing catch-up—then you’re not building toward your goal. You’re orbiting it.

What to do:
Start small. Build systems that move you forward even on the days you don’t feel inspired. That might mean keeping a career journal to track what’s working. Or setting aside time each week to think—not just react. Or doing something once a month that stretches you beyond what your current job requires.

The leap doesn’t matter if the loop is broken. Stop waiting for the big idea. Start with something small that matters. Progress isn’t a TED Talk. It’s a series of quiet decisions made when nobody’s watching.

4. We Underestimate How Much We Need to Unlearn

Many of us are running mental scripts we didn’t write—about success, worth, productivity, or who we’re allowed to be. This isn’t something a new planner or time-blocking strategy can fix.

In Zen in the Martial Arts, Joe Hyams recounts a lesson from his teacher, Bruce Lee, who tells the story of a student who came full of opinions and knowledge. Before beginning the lesson, the master poured him a cup of tea—and kept pouring until it overflowed. The student protested, “It’s spilling over!” And the master replied, “Exactly. You’re too full. You must empty your cup before you can learn anything new.”

Most of us are walking around with overflowing cups—too full of old assumptions to make space for something real and meaningful.

What to do:
Before you set your next goal, empty the cup. Question the default settings. Who gave you that goal? Who benefits from you chasing it? What if the version of success you’ve been taught isn’t actually yours?

You’re not lazy or lost. You might just be full of the wrong expectations. Make space for something true to show up.

5. We Forget That Clarity Comes After Action, Not Before

We wait until we feel ready. Until we have a perfect 5-year plan. Until inspiration strikes. But clarity isn’t a prerequisite for action—it’s a result of it. You figure out what matters by trying things, making mistakes, and adjusting as you go.

In Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt: Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions, we discuss how even the most capable people get stuck not because they’re unprepared—but because they’re waiting for a moment of certainty that will never come.

“Fear doesn’t announce itself. It disguises itself as logic. It says,
‘Now’s not the time.’
‘You should wait until it’s clearer.’
And before you know it, you’ve chosen safety over self-respect.”

The truth? Every meaningful decision happens in the presence of fear. If you wait for it to disappear, you’ll delay the life you’re meant to build.

What to do:
Don’t aim for certainty. Aim for alignment. Pick a direction that feels honest—even if it’s incomplete—and take the smallest brave step forward. You can’t think your way into clarity. You have to move your way into it. Every meaningful decision is made in the presence of uncertainty. Sometimes, clarity follows courage.

So How Do You Set an Honest Goal?

Here’s a simple framework. No acronyms. No corporate fluff.

  • Name what matters. Not what sounds impressive. Not what makes sense to your LinkedIn network. What actually matters—to you? (The Interactive Principles Explorer is a good place to start)

  • Make it embarrassingly small. What’s the tiniest version of that goal you could act on this week? (If it feels too big to start, it is.)

  • Expect resistance. Confusion, self-doubt, second-guessing—none of these mean you’re on the wrong path. They mean you’re on a real one.

  • Commit loosely. Trade rigidity for responsiveness. Clarity sharpens with movement.

  • Celebrate the showing up. Don’t just track outcomes. Track effort. Momentum compounds quietly.

This isn’t about “crushing your goals.” It’s about creating a relationship with your future that’s built on truth—not performance.

Because meaningful goals aren’t about proving something. They’re about discovering something—usually something bigger, deeper, and more alive than what you started out chasing.

Jennifer Sincero put it this way in You Are a Badass:

“Your calling will light you up and might terrify you at the same time.”

That’s the paradox of real goals: the most powerful ones don’t come wrapped in certainty. They come with a pulse. A pull. A quiet knowing that doesn’t always make sense yet—but refuses to go away.

Start small — not because your dream is small,
but because even the biggest transformations begin with motion.

Stay open. Take the next brave step.
Not because it guarantees success.
But because it aligns with something true.

What No One Tells You About Building a Career Brand

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We’ve been raised on the gospel of self-reliance:
Be your own person. Own your voice. Prove your value. Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

And in many ways, that mindset has served us.
It’s why we set goals, work hard, learn fast, and show up with conviction.

But when it comes to building a brand, that same mindset breaks down:
You don’t get to control your brand. Not really.

You can influence it — signal certain values, share your ideas, act with consistency — but the actual building of your brand doesn’t happen in your hands.

It happens in other people’s minds.

It’s shaped by how you’re experienced — not how you present:

  • How people feel after a meeting with you

  • Whether you elevate a team or quietly diminish it

  • If your work builds clarity or creates confusion

  • Whether you claim credit or share it

  • How you show up when there’s no obvious benefit to you

Because brand, at its core, is relational — not promotional.

It’s the story people tell about you when you’re not in the room.

This is why brand-building feels so non-intuitive. It’s not just about asserting who you are — it’s about aligning how you show up with what you want to be known for, knowing full well that you don’t control the narrative. You only control the input.

And the input isn’t the post. It’s the pattern.

Signals Are Easy. Substance Is Earned.

In a world of personal websites, polished LinkedIn posts, and 30-second highlight reels, it’s easy to confuse visibility with credibility.

We think:
“If I just show up more online, people will know what I’m about.”

But attention isn’t the same as trust.
Presence doesn’t equal reputation.
And signals are not a substitute for substance.

Posts are signals.
Portfolios are signals.
Even your job title is a signal.

But substance is built over time — in the accumulation of choices, the way you lead under pressure, how you treat people when there’s nothing to gain or when no one is watching.

You don’t need to reject signals entirely.
You just need to stop confusing them for the full picture.

Signals open doors.
Substance earns a seat at the table.

Examples:

  • “She’s the one who helps early-stage founders get out of their own way.”

  • “He’s the guy who can translate complexity into clarity.”

  • “She’s the calm in a storm.”

  • “He’s a builder with zero ego.”

Prompt:
How would you finish this sentence about yourself?

“I’m known for being the person who _________.”

Curation Gets You Noticed. Consistency Gets You Known.

In brand building, most people focus on curation:

  • The themes you talk about

  • The values you reinforce

  • The way you frame your work and contributions

But curation alone won’t build trust. If your signal changes with every trend, or every new team, people won’t know how to anchor their perception of you.

That’s where consistency comes in.

Consistency isn’t about repetition for the sake of it. It’s about congruence — making sure your work, your presence, and your communication all reflect the same underlying values.

Think about the people whose professional brands you admire.
They don’t need to say “I’m strategic” — because their decisions are.
They don’t post about being thoughtful — because their team already says it first.

Curation makes people look twice.
Consistency makes them believe.

You Don’t Build a Brand by Being Everywhere. You Build It by Showing Up — Deliberately.

Your brand isn’t built by volume.
It’s built by pattern.

But here’s the deeper truth:

Your brand doesn’t grow by staying in familiar contexts — even if you’re consistent.

It grows by showing up with intention in unfamiliar ones.

That doesn’t mean self-promotion.
It means exploration.

Putting your ideas into new rooms.
Bringing your values into different kinds of conversations.
Letting your presence adapt — without compromising your integrity.

Because this is how alignment becomes more than a concept.
It becomes evidence — shaped by experience.

You learn what you stand for by noticing how it holds up in new environments.
You grow confidence in your voice by hearing how it lands outside your usual circles.
You build trust not by repeating yourself — but by refining your expression across contexts, without distortion.

This is the active component of brand-building most people miss:
It’s not about performance.
It’s about deliberate participation in the rooms, projects, and conversations that stretch your articulation of self. To keep stepping into places that reveal something new about how your values move through the world.

That’s how consistency becomes earned.
And how your brand becomes recognizable — not just for what you say, but for how you adapt without losing your center.

Don’t Perform Authenticity — Practice Alignment

The goal isn’t to market yourself like a product. It’s to live and lead in alignment with your values, your voice, and your work. The best personal brands feel inevitable. Because they’re not curated — they’re lived.

The following chart can be useful for you to examine how you show up in important dimensions that impact your personal brand:

Dimension Key Question What It Really Means
Your Energy How do you make people feel? Your tone in meetings, your posture under pressure, and the emotional residue you leave behind.
Your Values in Action What do you really care about — and do your actions match? Shown in how you treat others, what you prioritize under stress, the boundaries you hold, and what you say no to.
Your Voice How do you express yourself — and does it feel real? A strong voice is distinct and consistent — not necessarily loud.
Your Focus What are you about? Can I describe it in one line? People need a memorable “handle” for you. If you’re known for everything, you’ll be remembered for nothing.
Your Consistency Do you show up the same way across time and context? Consistency over time builds familiarity and trust.
Your Impact on Others Who’s better because of you? Strong brands spread through the stories others tell — the ways you’ve helped, taught, supported, or elevated them.
Your Thinking What do you see that others miss? Original, clarifying insights form the foundation of memorable thought leadership.
Your Body of Work What have you actually done — and what does that say about you? This includes the projects you’ve led, problems you’ve solved, and the execution quality behind your results.
Your Presence When You’re Not in the Room How do people talk about you when you’re not around? The ultimate brand signal. You’ve built something real when people recommend or trust you without needing to see you in action firsthand.

Your brand isn’t what you say.
It’s what other people believe — and repeat.

Final Thought: Brand Is the Byproduct, Not the Goal

You don’t build a brand by crafting a persona.
You build it by practicing who you are — over time, in the open, and under pressure.

And while your brand lives in other people’s minds, the inputs are yours:

The way you make decisions.
The way you treat people.
The consistency of your values, even as your context shifts.

You won’t always get it right. You’re not supposed to.

Because this isn’t a linear process — it’s a lived one.

You’ll learn what matters most by paying attention to what holds up when tested.
You’ll grow more legible not by saying the same thing louder, but by living it more clearly across different environments.
And you’ll build real trust not just by being “visible,” but by being recognizable — in the ways that matter.

So no, you can’t control your brand.

But you can shape it — through the patterns you create, the feedback you absorb, and the integrity you practice when no one’s watching.

That’s the long game.

And if you’re willing to play it — with patience, with honesty, and with intention —
your brand won’t just look real.

It will be real.

How to Deal with a Bad Boss

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Let’s be real: dealing with a bad boss isn’t just “uncomfortable.” It can chip away at your confidence, drain your motivation, and make you question your entire career. I’ve been there — working under someone who tried to make me feel small, second-guess everything I did, and walk on eggshells every day.

This isn’t going to be a fluffy list of “Just stay positive!” tips. You’re here because it’s serious. So here’s what I wish someone had told me when I was deep in it.

What “Toxic” Actually Means (And What It Doesn’t)

Not every tough manager is toxic. Not every bad day means you’re in a bad workplace.

But a toxic boss isn’t just demanding — they’re damaging. The impact goes beyond frustration. It chips away at your self-worth, your confidence, and your ability to feel safe at work. It’s not just what they do — it’s how it makes you feel: unsafe, unseen, uncertain.

If you’re wondering whether it’s toxic, ask yourself:

  • Do I feel anxious before meetings?

  • Do I constantly second-guess myself now more than I used to?

  • Do I feel like I can never do enough — even when I’m doing everything?

If the answer is yes, it’s not just in your head.
It’s in the room. And it’s real.

1. Stop Expecting a Normal Relationship

One of the hardest things to accept is that your boss might never be reasonable. You’re not asking for too much — maybe you just want to do your job, be left alone, or have a professional, working relationship.

But with a toxic or hostile boss, even that is too much to expect. And waiting for them to “come around,” “cool down,” or suddenly treat you with respect is a trap. It keeps you stuck hoping for a version of them that doesn’t exist — at least not for you.

You didn’t cause this. Their behavior is not a reflection of your performance, your attitude, or your worth. It’s about them.

So stop waiting for mutual respect. Stop expecting them to change. Start protecting your peace.

The goal here isn’t to “fix” the relationship. It’s to survive it with your self-respect intact — and prepare for what’s next.

2. Tactical Survival Is Training for the Bigger Game

Let’s say it out loud: this won’t be the last time you encounter someone like this.

The micromanager. The manipulator. The insecure power-tripper. These personalities show up again and again — in different roles, with different masks, and higher stakes. The question isn’t just how do you survive this boss? It’s: how do you build the skills to hold your own, now and next time?

This is training. High-pressure, real-time, emotionally expensive training. But training, nonetheless.

Practice Tactical Empathy (Not Emotional Labor)

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, defines tactical empathy as the ability to understand the perspective of your counterpart — and use that knowledge to influence outcomes (“Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It”). You don’t need to agree with your boss. You don’t need to like them. But you do need to understand:

  • What do they fear?

  • What do they crave?

  • What makes them feel in control?

Because once you see the story they’re telling themselves, you can stop reacting — and start positioning.

Tactical empathy is not softness. It’s a strategy. It’s how you learn to step around their ego and avoid their traps without losing your integrity.

“It seems like you’re under a lot of pressure to get this done quickly.”
“Sounds like consistency is really important to you.”

You reflect their view just enough to lower their defenses — while keeping yours up.

Shift the Burden Back Where It Belongs

Stop carrying the emotional weight of their dysfunction. If they’re vague? Ask for clarity.
If they contradict themselves? Document it.
If they lash out? Don’t respond in kind — respond with a mirror.

“You’ve asked for this by Friday. Just confirming that’s still the priority, since yesterday you mentioned the other item was urgent.”

Make them take responsibility for their words. Let their own contradictions do the heavy lifting. You don’t need to expose them with emotion — just reflect with clarity.

And this part cannot be stressed enough: Your tone matters.

It might feel satisfying to respond with sarcasm, smugness, or a quiet “gotcha” energy — but don’t. Not because you’re afraid of them, but because you’re practicing tactical empathy. Keep your tone neutral, professional, and sincere. Not submissive. Just steady.

Why? Because you’re not here to escalate — you’re here to protect your position, stay grounded, and keep the emotional burden where it belongs: with them. This is how you stay in control without ever raising your voice.

And Know This: People Are Watching How You Handle It

Even if no one says anything, people notice. Coworkers. Peers. Sometimes leadership. How you handle pressure — especially unfair pressure — builds quiet credibility. You’re showing others what not crumbling looks like. You may feel invisible now. But you’re building a reputation that sticks long after this boss is gone.

3. This Is Your Rehearsal for Higher-Stakes Rooms

The boardroom. The client meeting. The investor call. The next toxic exec. This is not the last time you’ll have to stay composed in the presence of power used carelessly.

So use this. Not just to survive — but to sharpen. You’re learning:

  • How to self-regulate under fire

  • How to protect your boundaries

  • How to influence without authority

  • How to outlast someone who expects you to fold

This is emotional strength with strategy behind it.

The hardest part isn’t always the toxic boss — it’s the silence around them. When they’re not in the room, everyone agrees. The jokes come out. The eye-rolls. The late-night texts: “This can’t keep going.”

There’s no shortage of frustration — but there’s a shortage of action. Gossip isn’t resistance — it’s release. It lets people feel momentarily brave without doing anything brave. It sounds like solidarity, but leaves you isolated when it matters. In workplaces where everyone’s pretending, clarity is leadership — even if you don’t have a title.

When you’re the only one drawing a line, it can feel like you’re rocking the boat, but in reality? The boat was already sinking. You’re just the only one willing to call it out loud.

You don’t need to be loud, but you do need to stop carrying it alone.

Find the people who get it — really get it:

  • A mentor who can help you navigate strategy without self-sabotage

  • A colleague who’s watching too, and might just need someone to go first

  • A friend outside the workplace who can remind you of who you are

Saying it out loud — not to stir drama, but to name truth — is the first step to reclaiming your voice.

4. Protect Your Sanity, Not Just Your Job

At some point, the question isn’t: “How do I fix this?”
It’s: “What is this costing me to stay?”

Yes, you have bills. Yes, you have responsibilities. But a job that drains your mental and emotional energy every single day is not sustainable — and not worth sacrificing your long-term well-being.

Because here’s the truth no one says out loud:
You cannot think clearly, speak up, or make good moves when you are depleted.

Survival mode is not a strategy. It’s a warning light.

You Can’t Plan an Exit When You’re Running on Empty

Everyone says, “just start looking for another job.” But let’s be honest — you can’t do that well if you’re burned out, emotionally flooded, and running on zero confidence.

So before you build the escape plan, you need to do this:

  • Sleep. It sounds basic, but it’s foundational. You’re not lazy — you’re fried.

  • Unplug. Stop checking Slack or email on your off hours. That constant access is part of the problem.

  • Say No. Even small “no’s” reclaim space:

    “I can’t stay late today.”
    “I’m not available for a quick call tonight.”

  • Reclaim something non-work-related. A walk. Music. A workout. Journaling.
    Not for productivity. For oxygen.

Before you plan your exit, you have to stop the internal bleeding. That’s what restores your power.

Build Your Way Out — Slowly, Quietly, Intentionally

Once your energy is more stable, build your next step like it’s a side project:

  • Refresh your resume — not to send it yet, but to remember what you’re capable of

  • Document accomplishments and patterns (you’ll need them later)

  • Talk to your network

  • Learn what you actually want next, not just what you’ll settle for

Make it real, but don’t panic. This isn’t an escape. It’s a return to self-direction.

Zoom Out: This Job Is Not the Whole Story

It feels all-consuming now. That’s what toxic environments do — they shrink your world. But this job is not your identity. It’s a line in your story. And every day you survive it with strategy, you’re writing the next chapter more intentionally.

Protecting your sanity isn’t weakness. It’s step one of reclaiming your power.

5. Know the Difference Between a Bad Boss and a Broken System

Not every terrible experience at work is about one bad boss. Sometimes the boss is toxic — and the company lets it happen. Over and over. That’s not a one-off. That’s a culture.

If that sounds familiar, then you’re not just dealing with a difficult manager. You’re inside a system that tolerates, rewards, or depends on dysfunction. Systems that tolerate abuse will not protect you. People change when they have to. Companies change even slower — and only when it costs them. If the system works for them the way it is, it’s not going to be restructured just because it’s not working for you.

This realization can feel heavy — even disorienting. But it’s not weakness. It’s clarity. And clarity gives you agency. Not necessarily to walk today. But to stop waiting for permission to want better.

Final Word: This Isn’t the End of Your Story

If you’ve made it this far, it’s because something inside you already knows: this isn’t normal. It isn’t healthy. And it isn’t something you should have to just “tough out.”

That knowing — that internal alarm — is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
It’s you tuning back in to your instincts after they’ve been drowned out by fear, manipulation, or exhaustion.

It might feel like a dead end — but it’s not.
It’s a pivot point. A moment where you stop asking “how do I survive this?” and start asking “what do I want next?”

And that’s the real shift: from enduring to choosing.

Protect your peace.
Reclaim your energy.
Build your exit — not in panic, but with purpose.
And the next time you walk into a new role, you’ll do it with eyes wide open and self-trust intact.

Because now, you know:

  • What the red flags feel like early on

  • What your boundaries sound like when you respect them

  • What your voice can do when you stop silencing it for someone else’s comfort

No one thrives under fear. And no job is worth disappearing for.

Your clarity, your self-worth, your mental health — these are not just personal.
They’re foundational to the career and life you’re building.

So keep going. Not because you have to — but because you finally know you can.

What to Do If You’re the Culture Problem

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Let’s have an uncomfortable conversation — the kind most people avoid:

What if the real culture issue at work… is you?

Not the toxic boss.
Not the broken system.
Not “the team that just doesn’t get it.”

What if the friction, the misalignment, the tension you keep feeling…
…isn’t coming from the culture — but through you?

Sound harsh? Maybe. But stick with me — because this isn’t about blame.
It’s about bravery. The kind that looks in the mirror before it points fingers.

First, Let’s Get One Thing Straight

This isn’t about shame.

We’ve all been “the problem” at some point:

  • Snapping in meetings

  • Avoiding feedback

  • Being defensive when someone challenged us

  • Micromanaging, withdrawing, overcompensating, or overstepping

Being the problem doesn’t make you a bad person.
Staying the problem because you won’t look at yourself? That’s different.

Signs You Might Be the Culture Problem (Without Realizing It)

Let’s talk red flags — the quiet kind. The subtle behaviors that erode trust, morale, or safety in a team — even if your intentions are good.

You might be contributing to a toxic culture if:

You talk around the problem — but not to the person who can fix it

You know there’s a hard conversation that needs to happen. Everyone does.
But instead of having it, you vent in the group chat. Or in 1:1s with people who already agree with you. You call it “processing” — but really, you’re avoiding.

This is how tension festers. Silence grows. Gossip replaces clarity.

It’s not that you don’t care — it’s that you don’t know how to speak with influence.
So you opt for comfort instead of courage.

You’ve gone emotionally quiet — and called it “being professional”

You’re frustrated. Disappointed. Maybe even a little disillusioned.
So you do what feels safe: show up, keep your head down, get the job done.

No more overextending. No more extra effort. Just the basics.
You tell yourself it’s boundaries. Or professionalism.

But here’s the truth: when you’re in a leadership role, going emotionally quiet feels like giving up — to your team.

They sense the shift. The energy drop. The absence of real presence.
Even if you haven’t said a word, they feel the silence — and they fill it with uncertainty.

Leadership isn’t about always having the answers. But it is about staying in the room.
The only constant rule of leadership? You don’t get to give up. Not on your people. Not on the work. Not while you’re still holding the mic.

You think you’re “communicating clearly” — but people stop listening

You speak up. You give feedback. You’re direct. Maybe even proud of how “honest” you are.

But people flinch. Or check out. Or stop contributing altogether.
And you chalk it up to a lack of initiative, or thin skin, or team underperformance.

But here’s a hard truth:
If people consistently disengage when you speak, the problem might not be their listening.
It might be your delivery.

Real communication isn’t just about saying the right words.
It’s about creating the conditions where those words can be received.

This is where most leaders misunderstand communication. They think it’s the listener’s job to decode their intent. But as author Malcolm Gladwell points out in Outliers, that’s the difference between transmitter-oriented and receiver-oriented cultures:

  • In receiver-oriented cultures, the burden is on the listener to decode your message — no matter how sharp, fast, or harsh it lands.

  • In transmitter-oriented cultures, the speaker takes responsibility for how the message lands — not just that it was said.

This is the discipline of leadership:
Speaking in a way that people can actually hear — especially when it’s hard.

And listening, truly listening, is even harder. It requires humility. Patience. The willingness to be changed by what you hear — not just wait for your turn to talk.

If you’re doing all the talking and still feel unheard, you’re not being “clear.”
You’re being loud.

What to Do If You Realize You’re Part of the Problem

This is the hard part.

It’s one thing to read the signs. It’s another to see yourself in them — and not look away.

So what now?

There’s no checklist for growth. No tidy five-step plan for rebuilding trust or re-centering yourself as a leader.

If it were that easy, everyone would do it.

Most people don’t.

Because the truth is, this work is uncomfortable. It asks you to sit in the mess without rushing to clean it up. To stay curious even when you want to shut down. To try again, even when no one claps for you.

And while growth is personal — it doesn’t have to be lonely.

A trusted mentor, coach, or peer can help hold up a mirror when you’re too close to see clearly. Sometimes the most generous thing you can do for your team… is let someone else challenge your blind spots.

Even with support, the work is still yours to do. This work doesn’t just require reflection. It requires interruption — of your own patterns, defaults, and justifications.

Don’t confuse feeling guilty with being accountable. Guilt focuses inward on you, but accountability centers on those impacted by your actions.

Growth is quiet.
It’s internal.
And it’s rarely linear.

Final Word: Culture Isn’t Just a System. It’s a Series of Choices.

You’re not the only person shaping your workplace culture.

But if you’re in the room — and especially if you have power — then you’re part of it, every day.

It’s the feedback you avoid.
The gossip you join.
The silence you let grow.

It’s every time you choose comfort over clarity — or wait for someone else to fix it.

But here’s the truth:
If you’re in the room, you’re influencing the culture — whether you mean to or not.

Because at the end of the day, you don’t lead by title.
You lead by presence.

And if you’re brave enough, ask:
“What’s it like to be on the other side of me?”

Then listen. If you don’t like the answer? Good news: you’re the one who gets to change it.

Because culture doesn’t change when someone finally says the right thing.
It changes when someone decides to live it.

It starts now. With awareness. With courage.
With the question you’re willing to ask — and the version of yourself you’re willing to become.

You Have a Great Mentor — Now What?

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Landing a great mentor can feel like you’ve stumbled into a secret level of your career — someone who sees your potential, who’s walked the path before you, and who’s willing to offer their hard-earned wisdom. It’s rare. It’s powerful. And easy to mishandle.

But here’s the truth most people don’t talk about: mentorship is only as valuable as what you bring to it.

A mentor isn’t a shortcut. They’re a relationship. If you’re lucky enough to have one, your next move matters more than you think.

So — what should you actually do when you find yourself with a great mentor?

1. Treat It Like You’re Paying $500 an Hour

Imagine you were paying $500 an hour for the conversation you’re about to have. How would you show up? You’d be prepared. You’d respect the time. You’d follow through. You wouldn’t wing it or casually drop in without knowing what you need.

That’s the level of seriousness great mentorship deserves — even if you’re not paying for it. Because what they’re giving you — time, clarity, lived experience — is just as valuable, and far more personal.

A mentor isn’t a shortcut or a personal assistant. They’re not obligated to solve your problems. They’re making a choice to invest in you. Your job isn’t to be perfect — but it is to be intentional with the opportunity.

2. Don’t Copy Your Mentor. Come With a Clear Ask.

The goal of mentorship isn’t to become your mentor. You don’t need to adopt their values, copy their tone, or walk their exact path. You may not even like everything about how they lead — and that’s fine (see The Red Flags of a Toxic Mentor Most People Miss). You’re not here to be a replica. You’re here to get sharper in your own context.

The value of a mentor isn’t in imitation — it’s in insight. Can they help you see something more clearly? Can they offer context, pressure-test your thinking, or name the thing you haven’t yet articulated?

But they can’t do that if you’re unclear on what you actually need.

Before your next conversation, get specific:
– What am I stuck on, excited about, or uncertain how to navigate?
– Do I need clarity, challenge, or confirmation of what I already suspect?
– Is this a tactical decision or a bigger identity question?

Once you know that, come prepared. Not with a slide deck, but with intention.

A great mentor’s time is a gift. The best way to honor it? Don’t ask, “Sooo… what should we talk about?”

Show up with substance. You don’t have to impress them. You just have to meet them halfway, with clarity, respect, and a willingness to think out loud.

3. Share the Impact — and Say Thank You

Mentors aren’t usually in it for the applause. But that doesn’t mean appreciation goes unnoticed.

Tell them what’s working. Let them know when their insight made a difference. Share the outcome — good or bad. Mentorship is a relationship, and like any good relationship, it thrives on connection, honesty, and gratitude.

You don’t need to overdo it. Just be genuine. A quick “That advice stuck with me — here’s how it helped,” goes a long way.

4. Learn to Ask Better Questions

Strong mentorship isn’t about fishing for easy answers — it’s about learning how to think better. That starts with better questions.

Instead of:

“What should I do?”

Try:

  • “Here are a few options I’m considering — what stands out to you?”

  • “If you were in my shoes, what would you be paying attention to?”

  • “What mistakes do you see people in my position often make?”

Better questions lead to deeper conversations — and more meaningful insights.

5. Make It Mutual (Even If You’re Early in Your Career)

You may not feel like you have much to offer your mentor — but don’t underestimate the value of curiosity, insight, or a fresh perspective. Ask how they’re doing. Offer your help when appropriate. Share something they might find interesting or useful.

The best mentorships evolve — from advice into dialogue, from hierarchy into trust, and sometimes, from respect into friendship. That only happens when both people show up fully, not just in the roles of “mentor” and “mentee,” but as humans.

6. Recognize When the Relationship Shifts — and Honor It

Some mentorships last a season. Others grow into long-term collaborations. Don’t panic if it shifts or fades. That doesn’t mean it failed — it means it served its purpose.

What matters most is that you honor what it gave you. Stay connected if it makes sense. Pay it forward when you’re in a position to do so. And above all, carry the growth with you.

Final Thought: A Great Mentor Isn’t the Answer — You Are

Mentors can open doors, offer wisdom, and guide you through moments you can’t see clearly. But they’re not here to live your life for you.

The real work — the deep, clarifying, sometimes terrifying work — still belongs to you.

So if you’re lucky enough to have a great mentor in your corner, don’t waste it. Show up. Ask better questions. Follow through. Say thank you. And trust that the person they see in you is already becoming real — one honest step at a time.